Survival Signals

In The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker describes several signals that you can detect that are used in attempt to gain feelings of trust, empathy, or obligation. Once you learn these signals, you’re going to be able think back to prior encounters and see how you were being manipulated. Don’t be alarmed. At least not right away, because you need to keep in mind context. For example, if you are in a store shopping and a salesperson approaches you in attempt to make a sale, you are going to detect a few being used on you. This doesn't mean that the salesperson is trying to attack you. Though they are trying to get you to buy something. Remember to keep context in mind when you notice that someone is using any of the following techniques on you.

You do it, they do it, even I do it. What is it? It is manipulate people to get what we want. That’s right, I just accused you all reading this of manipulating people in your daily interactions with people around you. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that we all do this. We all manipulate people, I just want you all to understand that when people are manipulating you, it’s because you have something that they want; it doesn’t mean that they are trying to cause harm, rape, murder, or rob you.

Seven Survival Signals

Forced Teaming

Too Many Details

Charm & Niceness

Typecasting

Loan Sharking

Unsolicited Promises

Discounting the Word "NO"

Forced Teaming

Of all of the survival signals the one that is least understood would most likely be Forced Teaming. Simply put, forced teaming is the use of the words we and us, they and them, to build a connection when no connect exists in reality. It sounds simple but often the simplest this are the hardest to understand.

There are instances in our lives that we will be forced to team up with someone that we may not have thought about doing so. For example, your boss or teacher puts you in a team with someone you don't get along with, or you're stuck in an elevator. These are examples of how you can be forced to be in a team that you didn't expect to be in. These are not the instances that you need to be concerned with, you need to be concerned when someone is trying to create this forced teaming situation when there is no need for it.

One example of forced teaming can be seen in the following story. A woman and her friend went to hang out with some friends and friends of friends.  He chose to stay with a friend of mine and me at a restaurant while his ride, his friends, left. So when we were about ready to leave (me and my friend) he was like "So how are WE going to get me home" like it was our problem (she knew him loosely before that evening...I didn't...it was MY car that brought us there).

In this situation an appropriate answer could have been, "your problem," "I don't know," or "we can call a cab for you ." Remember that being on a team is a choice that you make amongst people that you trust. Don't let anyone make that choice for you.

Too Many Details

When people ask us a question, we as human beings have the tendency to keep answers relatively short and to the point. When we don't believe our own answers, we have a tendency to add more details, without being asked, to make the lie sound more believable to ourselves. For example, if a friend asks where you've been when you arrive late to an event. Our tendency is to state the fact as to why you were late, "There was traffic." Now, if you don't want to share the real reason as to why you were late, you may tell a "white" lie. "Well, there was this huge accident on the freeway and they had to shut down all the lanes. It took me forever just to get off the freeway, then I had all the traffic on the streets." By adding the details we, make the story sound more interesting, therefore, more believable to ourselves.

If you begin to have a conversation with someone, and they start sharing, what you feel is too much information, then ask yourself a question. Why is this person sharing so much information with you, about something that you didn't ask about? Too many details is used try to convince us of a truth that doesn't necessarily exist.

Charm & Niceness

This is a signal that is often overlooked by people. Why? Simple, because we like it when people are nice to us. Do like it when people are turning on the charm towards us. It makes us feel special, and who doesn't like to be special. This is why this signal is often mistaken as a personal trait or characteristic that someone is born with, let me be clear, being charming and nice is not a trait or characteristic, its a skill.

Charm and Niceness is not something that we are born with, it is a skill that is learned and developed. People are only charming and nice when we want something. That something can be simple and innocent as being able to continue to look and talk with you. To something much more malicious and extreme like robbing, stealing, rape or murder.

Some may argue that charm and niceness is a trait, and inherent characteristic that we are born with, but I challenge you. Think of a time you ever had to sell something to someone. While you were trying to do so, you were the most charming and nice person ever. Even if a customer was being difficult, you still kept the charm and niceness turned on. However, as soon as you went on break or out of hearing range, your true feelings would manifest out.

Typecasting

In the entertainment world, specifically acting, typecasting refers to an actor being closely identified with a particular role. For our purposes, the meaning is similar, except in our situation, Typecasting refers you being labelled by the person approaching you. The labels can be seen as positive, such as friendly, nice, open, or negative (uncaring, paranoid, unfair). Typecasting is used when someone is trying to get us to communicate with them.

Imagine you're at a club, gym, bar, anywhere really, and some seemingly random person approaches you, trying to strike up a conversation. You have a choice, you can talk or not talk. Whatever your choice, that up to you. If you choose not to talk, the stranger may attempt to label you, saying something like, "Oh, you must be one of those people that are afraid to talk to anyone right?" I don't like being labelled rude, or paranoid, and chances are you don't want to either. So we're more likely to begin talking to them. Guess what, they just got you talking to them. They will no longer think that you're rude...

Who cares? Why do you care what this person thinks? You don't know them. So what if they think you're rude, or a prude, or a bitch even? Who cares? They aren't your friends, family, or someone you care about. It's those people's opinions of you that matter, not some strangers.

Loan Sharking

Think back to mobster movies. Now think about the guy that always lent money to people. The borrower would always have to pay the money back with interest, but interest was always an exorbitant about amount. Much in the same that the character seeks much more back than was given, this sign that you should be aware of is how people get us to feel beholden to them.

Think back to your younger days. Remember when that person held your books in school for you. Someone gave you a ride somewhere that was out of their way, but they still did it. Or how about your date paying for everything during your date. These are all examples of loan sharking. Now you may be thinking that these people were just being nice right? Remember that niceness is a skill. We are only nice to people when we want something from them.

Yes, sometimes people will do things for you out of the goodness of their heart. Or just because you ask them too. The date that took care of everything...well now it's the end of the date and they're expecting a kiss good night, or maybe more. This isn't to say that you weren't going to already, but the person is expecting. They could feel entitled to it because they paid for everything. This is a classic example of Loan Sharking

Unsolicited Promises

I'm the kind of person that takes commitments seriously, whether they are my own or someone else. This makes promises very important to me. If you promise to do something, I trust that it will happen. Promises are a way to gain trust, by promising you something, they are attempting to gain trust from you. So if you're like me, you're more likely to trust someone that promises to do something.

What makes the Unsolicited Promises dangerous, it that it uses your good nature against you. You're more likely to be assured, but make sure that whoever is issuing you the promise has a track record of keeping them.

Be weary of people that say things like, "I promise I will never let you down," "I promise I will never lie to you," "I promise I'll leave...," "I haven't been drinking, I promise," "I'll drive carefully, I promise," or anything else along those lines. A promise that you don't ask for is a promise you should question.

Discounting the Word "NO"

NO, STOP, DON'T or any other variation of those words mean just that. Anyone that doesn't want to listen to you, or doesn't seem to understand it, needs to be kicked to the curb. This may sound extreme, but think about it. If you tell someone NO, STOP, or DON'T and they don't stop, doesn't that mean that they are disrespecting you? Why would you want to be in a relationship (platonic or romantic) where your partner/friend doesn't respect you enough to care about you?

When people don't listen or respond to your request when you say NO, they are testing your boundaries. Whether its a child, friend, colleague, or stranger, they are trying to determine your line. How far can they push you before you give in. The problem here is when you give in, what happens is you now tell the person that is pushing you it's OK to push you, because you will eventually say yes, eventually you'll give in. Someone that is testing your limits will not remember that you said NO, but they will remember how many times it took for you to say yes.

Also, it shouldn't matter how softly you say NO, it still means NO. It doesn't matter if you say it with a smile on your face, it still means NO. This being said, our society would like to come up with any excuse to be able to blame the victim. You were to quiet, you weren't convincing, you were dressing sexy. Whatever way you say it it should be respected. If someone you deal with can't do that, well, cut them loose.