Why Martial Arts Isn't Enough

I started training in martial arts when I was 13 years old. I got into it because at the time, my mom's boyfriend thought it was a good idea that I learn how to protect myself. During this training,  I learned discipline, control, respect, and a host of other useful life skills, but I wasn't learning how to defend myself with these techniques.

Taekwondo is a very sport-oriented martial arts. This means that there are rules that must be followed. Some techniques are legal to perform, others are not. This leads to a possibility of training only for the sport and not for self preservation. Martial arts inherently have rules and regulations built into it. This conflicts to the basic premise of self defense: survival.

Since then I have trained in various martial arts from the more sport-oriented Taekwondo to Judo, to the combative reality of Krav Maga, to the almost meditative Tai Ji Quan (Tai Chi). In my 20+ years of training, I've come to one simple realization: most martial arts lack is the practical skills for survival in a possibly violent situation.  The problem is that it is based upon on a system of rules, but self defense has no rules for fighting. Self defense has only one objective, and that objective is to survive.

Fighting for your survival is nothing like a sport fighting match: there won’t be any referee there to watch for the safety of the fighters, there aren’t any timeouts or opportunities to tap out and It isn’t always going to be one-on-one or a “fair” match. It is dirty, brutal, and violent.

One solution that I’ve heard suggested is to go to a mixed martial arts studio/training center, or MMA. The Ultimate Fighting Championships, or UFC, is a popular example. In the beginning, the UFC was as close to a real fight as one could get. It would put two people together, and let them duke it out. No time limits, no weight classes, and only a few rules (no biting, no eye-gouging, no groin strikes). However, as the years have passed, more and more rules have been added, adjusted, and dropped. As far as MMA in the UFC, it is now a sport with rules, legal/illegal techniques, weight classes, time limits.  The very things that made more traditional martial arts unrealistic, MMA is adopting as part of their training regime. It had been turned into a combat sporting event of which the goals are to win rather than to survive. This is the same issue with most martial arts taught today.

So how do you find a self defense class that will really prepare you for the unthinkable? The National Coalition Against Sexual Assault (NCASA) has published some guidelines  and answers to common questions to help.

NOTE: Because we believe that anyone would benefit from learning self defense, we have taken out any gender-specific language and made it gender-neutral.

Survival Signals

In The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker describes several signals that you can detect that are used in attempt to gain feelings of trust, empathy, or obligation. Once you learn these signals, you’re going to be able think back to prior encounters and see how you were being manipulated. Don’t be alarmed. At least not right away, because you need to keep in mind context. For example, if you are in a store shopping and a salesperson approaches you in attempt to make a sale, you are going to detect a few being used on you. This doesn't mean that the salesperson is trying to attack you. Though they are trying to get you to buy something. Remember to keep context in mind when you notice that someone is using any of the following techniques on you.

You do it, they do it, even I do it. What is it? It is manipulate people to get what we want. That’s right, I just accused you all reading this of manipulating people in your daily interactions with people around you. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that we all do this. We all manipulate people, I just want you all to understand that when people are manipulating you, it’s because you have something that they want; it doesn’t mean that they are trying to cause harm, rape, murder, or rob you.

Internet Dating, part 3: The Meet Up

When you finally decide it's time to meet your online admirer, there are a few precautions you should take. Before we get to that, real quickly, how do you know when to meet up in person for the first time? Now, this is going to be a very personal choice. I'm not going to tell you a secret formula as to when you should me up. That's up to you. What I can share is from my own experience, and the experiences shared with me.

For example: My partner writes, "I preferred to meet up quickly because writing and face-to-face interaction is VERY different. So for me, why waste time online chatting, where it becomes very easy to project your own fantasies onto others, only to be disappointed when the actual live human doesn't live up to your expectations? Establish they're not psycho and meet up, badda bing, badda boom.  This is also why my policy is to never meet up for a meal on the first date, that way if it's bad, I can bounce quickly."

So, let's talk about meeting up for the first time. Just like the excitement that you experienced the first time you message someone, you're going to feel excited meeting them for the first time as well. You never know, this could be the first of many dates to come, maybe lead to a relationship, and possibly even marriage! However, since this is the first time you're going to meet this person, you should take a few precautions.

Internet Dating, part 2: First Contact

In Internet Dating, part 1: Setting Yourself Up Safely, I talked about how to set up everything (computer, email, profile, etc) so that your personal information is protected from prying eyes. However, now you're ready to get to know some people, and maybe even go on a date with someone, so let's talk about making first contact safely.

Chatting Safety

For maximum security, you want to use the sites internal chat system instead of your email or phone number when you decide to message someone for the first time. Think of this as your first level of defense. If someone does give you their personal information (email, phone number, or even snail mail address), tell them that you'd, "rather communicate through <insert online dating service here>"

Internet Dating, part 1: Setting Yourself Up Safely

Personally, back when I was single, I really didn't have many options for dating. I didn't want to date anyone I was working with, I wasn't going to school anymore, so that was out of the question. I'm not a bar/club/gym junkie so that wasn't going to work either. I was really left with only a couple options: being set up by people I knew, and online dating.

Gone are the days just bumping into a stranger and asking them out (or asked out by them). It has become very difficult to meet and start a rapport with strangers, especially in the current age of fear and distrust. More and more people are turning to the internet to find their special someone. 

Now most people in the online dating world are nice and not out to hurt anyone, but there are always those 1-2% that will ruin this experience for everyone.  Whether your looking for a possible long-term relationship to the one night stand, you can still use this information to keep you safe. So over the next few blogs I'm going to share three major steps you need to take to date online safety: setting everything up, making contact, and meeting up.

Your Gut Is Talking, But Are You Listening?

If I told you that I knew someone who could accurately predict whenever you were about to get into some trouble, would you listen to them?

We all have that friend in each of us, and its called our intuition. Our intuition has developed over generations to help us survive so that we continue our species. However, our cognitive brain and thought process often gets in our way. We think that because we can't rationalize what we're feeling and we can't identify the reason we are feeling insecure, therefore we must be crazy.

You're not crazy - at least, not for listening to your instincts. Your intuition has developed to keep you alive, it works faster than the cognitive brain, and it doesn't require justifications, or reasons why it feels the way it does.

So how do we know when our gut is talking to us?

Countering The Criminal's Plans

Whenever I've been asked to teach a self defense session for one group or another, I always start with the Rules to Live By. I adapted this from Sanford Strong's book, "Strong on Defense" which has been out of print for several years now. Parts of the book can be seen if you use the Google Book website and do a search for the book.

When criminals commit a crime against us, they need three things: Time, Control, and Isolation. The Four Rules to Live By, according to Strong, all work in direct opposition to all three. If a criminal has these things, than they are more likely to be successful in their task. By utilizing the rules, we directly counter the criminals intent and disrupt their plans.