Internet Dating, part 2: First Contact

In Internet Dating, part 1: Setting Yourself Up Safely, I talked about how to set up everything (computer, email, profile, etc) so that your personal information is protected from prying eyes. However, now you're ready to get to know some people, and maybe even go on a date with someone, so let's talk about making first contact safely.

Chatting Safety

For maximum security, you want to use the sites internal chat system instead of your email or phone number when you decide to message someone for the first time. Think of this as your first level of defense. If someone does give you their personal information (email, phone number, or even snail mail address), tell them that you'd, "rather communicate through <insert online dating service here>"

Make sure they are real

When you start searching for that right or right now person, you want to make sure that you're getting a real human being. Remember the whole hoax involving the college football player? Don't get scammed, make sure that the profile has more than just a couple of photos, and there should be more than just glamour shots. The person that you begin talking to should have pictures of themselves from different time periods in their life.

It is a red flag if a potential date doesn't have pictures of themselves from the past. Everyone has pictures from birthdays, parties, graduations, etc, right? Well people trying to con/scam you don't. They get their photos from internet sites of models, or they may have even bought them from a company. The point is, the person you're interested in should have pictures from their past.

One Plus One Equals Four, Right?

Wait... Wasn't the sister's name Anne, not Melissa? Have you been noticing that stories aren't adding up? Things just aren't making any sense. Remember in part one I said to make sure that you're honest with your profile? Unfortunately, there are some people out there that create these online profiles for reasons that are less than honorable. If you notice that your online dating partner is stumbling over facts or their stories aren't adding up, proceed with extreme caution, if you proceed at all.

TMI - Too Much Information

Once you begin communicating with people, you'll discover that people are going to come from all walks of life - from different towns, states and maybe even countries.Try to keep topics of a sexual nature off the chat logs (unless you're into that, and make that clear from the get go).

Before you send anything racy to someone you're chatting up,  make sure that the person in trustworthy. You don't want to see a racy picture of you floating around the Internet for all people to see,  especially if you have a job that may frown upon finding out about it. You may learn to regret sharing too much information with someone if you choose to do it too quickly or too soon.

Don't feel pressured to talk about things that make you feel uncomfortable. Just because the person that you've been messaging back and forth is telling you the details of their relationships, don't feel obligated to reciprocate. It's difficult to pick up on discomfort, sarcasm, and annoyance through a conversation that is missing the nonverbal communication of face-to-face conversation. More likely than not, the person your are chatting with won't have a clue as to what is making you uncomfortable, and vice versa, so let them know that you are uncomfortable sharing quite yet.

The "L" Word

Speaking of too fast, too soon, at this point you should have only been messaging this person, maybe emails, chats, or even a phone call and this person should not be using the "L" word with you. No, I'm not talking about lust, I'm talking about love. Yes, you haven't met in person yet, but they claim to love you. However, love develops over time. If this person you've been communicating with start professing their undying love your you, be careful, they may be attempting to prematurely gain your trust.

Don't Ever Send Money

This should be obvious, but don't ever send money to someone you met through your online dating site - this is a scam! Google it if you don't believe me. You'll find thousands to people that have built up enough courage to share their stories with you. I have a friend that fell into one of these scams. They met someone on an online dating site and struck up a great conversation with them. They messaged back and forth on the internal messaging system before switching to emails, where they began to video chat and exchange stories and photos. This friend lent money to their new-found friend, which only led to her lending more money.  Eventually she figured out that they were being scammed, but not before funds had exchanged electronic hands.

In short, NEVER send money, bank info, credit card info. Make sure to take it a step further and report the person to the online dating site.

Bad Behavior: Don't Ignore It, Report It

A good online dating site will give you an option of reporting someone that is doing bad things. If you catch anyone doing any of the below things, report them.

• Offensive behavior such as racist language
• Unwelcome sexual advances
• Spam or solicitation (someone trying to sell something)
• Fraudulent profile or photo
• Finding that an online dating member is underage
• Requests for money or material goods
• Anything that makes you uncomfortable or suspicious

Giving Out Your Number

Sharing your phone number is one of the most important decisions that you will make. It's easy to do, but the last thing you need is one person to keep texting/calling you when you no longer want to keep contact with this person. In some instances, the persist calling is just that and it can be annoying, but nothing more will happen. Once they stop getting the attention from you, they stop. Other times it can become much worse. The calling leads to stalking, and that in itself is a whole other problem.

So when is it OK to give out your number? Honestly, I can't tell you that. That is going to be a decision you have to make on your own. Learn to listen to your gut, it really does know best. If you're feeling apprehensive about sharing your number, than don't. One possible solution to this dilemma could be getting a second number.

Rather than sharing the direct number to your phone, I recommend you get a Google Voice number, which will redirect calls AND texts to your phone. You can customize your setting so that different phone numbers will receive different greetings or will be blocked entirely, meaning that person will get a disconnected message when they try to dial your Google Voice number. Imagine you're out and you decided to give someone your Google Voice number just to be nice. They might call you to make sure that it's real, so your phone rings, but then you get home and block the number. Problem solved.

When you begin communicating with your possible future date, remember to do so safely. It's better to be safe before you are to committed than to try and fight of an aggressive attacker when it's more difficult.

Next post, what to keep in mind when you finally meet up. Make sure to subscribe via email so you don't miss any of our posts, like what you need to do when you decide on the First Time Meeting Up.